‘I love my job’, thought Fiona as she walked into work, sure that today was going to be a good day.

The sun was shining, the birdies were tweeting and it was Tuesday, which meant Rishi “the saviour” Sunak was handing out £10 of free money to every Tom, Dick and Harry that walked through the door. 

Just as Fiona was preparing to open, Serena rang to say she had a cough and needed to isolate and order herself a ‘rona test. 

‘Not ideal’, thought Fiona, but there was no time to dwell, because, quicker than she could say ‘stay alert’, the crowds had descended. 

‘What’s a QR code’

‘Why is booze not included on Eat Out to Help Out’

‘Can I sit with mates from 11 different households please?!’

The words “hand sanitizer” and “social distancing” had now been said so many times, they’d lost all meaning, and in Fiona’s head, been reduced to little more than noises. 

‘Rishi’s stitched us up here’, thought Fiona, wondering why she’d bothered to print 58 health and safety posters. 

As the day got busier, Fiona started to fear the feeling in her feet might never return, comforted only by the fact that plenty of staff were due in that evening. 

Two no shows later, and Fiona was just about ready to cause some serious damage to the next customer to say “I’ll have a Corona, but hold the Covid”. 

In an attempt to seek some solace, she went to change the Wiper and True, for a few quiet minutes in the cellar with the kegs – her only source of peace and tranquility in her post lockdown world of chaos and uncertainty. 

‘1 more hour and I can go on my break’, Fiona smiled, trying not to think about the empty, grumbling void that was her stomach. But any notions of a quiet five minutes soon vanished when a punter started a lively game of ‘hug the complete stranger’. 

A little while later, on her way to explain to a rowdy customer why track and trace was necessary and in no way ‘a violation of his human rights’, Fiona couldn’t help but notice a really long queue for the bar. 

‘That’s strange’, she thought, as she watched the bartender they’d just hired pull the world’s worst pint. ‘I’m sure he said he had ten years experience when we interviewed him last week’, making a mental note to chase up his references. 

‘Please don’t let anything else go wrong today’, prayed Fiona, as she sat down to inhale a sandwich and check her phone. 

‘Hi Fi, won’t make it tonight – I injured my leg yesterday playing football’, read a text from their KP. 

Fiona was really surprised, especially as she’d just seen a picture of Billy dancing on a table at the pub last night. But, there was no time for investigative work, because two parties had just decided to drag their tables together, despite repeatedly being asked to respect social distancing rules. 

Just as Fiona was about to completely lose her sh*t, the WiFi went down, iZettle stopped working and the gas ran out…